In digging through my past in saved scraps of paper, I came upon this gem of an email written Wednesday, August 18, 2004 9:49 AM to Ms. Kimberly F. Half silly, half good stuff I think.

My Dearest Kimberly,

The disquiet I felt in your absence was no unlike a long outward breath, couple with the anxious worry that to draw that same breath back inward would be impossible without your shining presence to light up these stormy end-of-summer days. Without your goodbye on Friday, I feared as though I might never see you again.

The office simply has not been the same without you these past two days. At times, the pain was unbearable and I could only dull its icy edge by taking solace in the delights of the copier. I have named the old girl Agnes and to me she has been very kind. Nevertheless, she pales in comparison to you. Especially and specifically when one considers your recent outing to the shoreline regions where you undoubtedly received some of the sun’s darkening rays, as is fashionable these days.

However, and here I must make a turn for the serious, my previously unprecedented despair was unbelievably surmounted when I heard that, owing to my lack of attendance on the selfsame shoreline region outing, you turned to the arms of another man. Too, I despaired much to hear he is equally formidable as I, but in the completely opposite respects. I fear that you have fallen in with a charlatan and I strongly urge you to leave this savage brute and return to the calm sensibility of moi.

Please advise as to your personal preference, dis- and/or agreement, and the time and place for the duel between myself and this “friend” that is now clearly inevitable.

Yours eternal,
K. (et F.L.)

F.L. Refers to my cat, or my stomach. I forget which. Further, it’s a reference to “Fat Louie” from The Princess Diaries.